abomber3

i was an EMO!

Sun, 11 May 2008 21:26:47 GMT

I was deep cleaning my room today and found all these things I wrote about different relationships. haha
I guess I was kind of "emo" back then I'll write some out that I wrote...

I wrote this about Chris a WHILE after we broke up....
Flipping through these pages reliving faded dreams
moving on was easier said than done
your words I hear in whispers, of a quiet melody.
I try to speak but I can hardly breathe.

The smile you loved is tarnished.
I'll swallow my frustration and costume my pride.
You'd never be the one to know I've lied.

While I'm tearing myself apart what have I to show
for these years I've left standing on their own
And I know the one to blame this time
of all the hearts to be broken I wound up breaking mine.

spring cleaning

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 04:52:13 GMT

It's been long over due for me to write in this thing. I've thought about updating this so many times but I feel like the past couple months I've been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off!

Typically I write to vent or to sort out mixed feeling in my love life... but things were pretty mellow for a while. And it just didn't seem right to talk about any other stupid relationship when every single thing I've ever written about was in dedication to Dougie.

Since we've broken up I've learned a lot about myself. A lot of really great things about myself, and a lot of not so great things too. Actually, looking back at it, the relationship I had with Doug taught me a whole lot more than I ever thought possible. I never really understood it or could fully grasp it, but the more and more time that passes the more my eyes are opened up to things I totally missed while being caught up in the mix of it all. I came to realize the things that are TRULY important to me, what sacrifices I'm willing to make in my life, and what my limits are. I know now that Doug is a way better person than I ever gave him credit to be. I have so much love and admiration for him, he is the one and only person who I know that will support me in anything and EVERYTHING that I do. I'm so thankful that he showed me the kind of love I deserve from another person. And I wish I could give all that love back to him in the ways he'd like.

I've dated.... too many people for my own good the past few months. I met a lot of cool people, did a lot of fun things. Figured out that I don't dig the dating scene. It got down to 3 guys at my low point and for a split second I thought that it was gonna be AWESOME. It felt so dishonest, I just hated it! I came to the conclusion that I need to be more picky with my selection. All the guys I dated were really great guys, super nice, we got along. But I can get along with anything, and what was missing was that spark. I don't want to waste time with a person thats just easy to get along with. I was a complete idiot to think that I could find something like what Doug and I had again. I don't think there will ever be anything like that ever again in that aspect.

Anyways after going on a wild and crazy dating and "soul searching" rampage, I decided that there are a lot of things I want to change in my life. You can say I'm giving a little spring cleaning to my own world. :) I can't exactly pin point what I want to change, but I know changes must be made! I've been feeling disconnected from life. I know I neglected my friends and I feel really guilty about that. SO I know that I need to stop wasting my time going on dates with people that I don't really like and hang out with people that are REALLY worth my while. I want to start going to church more and building a better relationship with God. I ALSO REALLY REALLY need to work out because this girl is OUT OF SHAPE! [I was just telling Alan today - who always jokes about my "pregnant belly" that if he was to punch me in the stomach it would be bottles of beer being dispensed out of me, not a baby!]. I got in the best shape last year and I need to get my motivation back!

well, i'm gonna shut up now. g'night

23 going on 10

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 06:00:42 GMT

I heard some amusing news today. Typically I would dwell on it for a split second. Rumors and assumptions other people make of me hold no truth and don't have any luck in hurting me or my pride. I feel really guilty because I haven't always acted towards others the way I would like them to act towards me, especially for a couple people imparticular and I feel really embarassed to have acted like a little kid, and a brat (or in other words bitch). But one thing is certain, I would never flat out make up lies about someone else to benefit myself and for those people that need to bash others to feel a sense of self worth I hope you learn to change.

I've made a lot of friends through out the years. I'm glad I learn fast to weed out the bad ones from my life and keep my little bunch of lucky charms with me at all times :)

Hopefully this need not apply but... If I ever disappointed or hurt anyone reading this in any way I am truely sorry and regretful for what I've done. I would like to right any wrongs that I have done.

XOXOX

you'll call it fate. I'll call it karma.

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 06:32:48 GMT

It's said that "Love conquers all", "All you need is love", "To find love is to find true happiness". There are so many little quotes and cliches I could list that could go on forever. It's so easy to believe all those things to be true, and of all people I've always been a hopeless romantic; a girl who always wears her heart on her sleeve. But the more and more serious things get between Doug and I, the more and more I think about the "reality" of love. However depressing and souless that sounds, it's hard not to look at the facts and realize that in most cases there isn't the mentality of a happily ever after or to death do us part.

The sad truth is that in America 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. Of those percentages the highest divorce rate are people who are married between the ages of 20-24 years old. I can happily say that my parents break that norm. But just because my entire family on both sides have no history of divorce doesn't mean that I can't be the first to break that trend. Obviously no one goes into a marriage planning on getting divorced, but at the same time I feel like the it's easy for people to get married on a whim because they know that they aren't "stuck". Its as easy to end a relationship now a days as it is to begin one. Having that easy out makes things seem more appealing to those who may be a little hesitant to commit to something as longterm & binding as marriage.

The top 5 causes of divorce are [in no particular order] infidelity (cheating), physical abuse, emotional abuse, incompatable personalities, and financial problems. Financial problems was reported as being the most frequent argument. When you think about "all you need is love" do you honestly practice what you preach and believe that? Because I thought I did. Then I realized that sometimes you need money just as much as you need love, especially when money is one of the leading causes of divorce in America. I began to realize LOVE in of itself is a money making industry. The average cost of a wedding in the Plymouth-Canton area according to an internet study was over $30,000. That's a lot of money to cough up to declare your love in front of your family and friends. That doesn't even include the cost of wedding/engagement rings (average price $4,000), honeymoon, house, etc that goes along with being a newly wed. Tally all those up and you have one hefty Mastercard bill.

I've never thought that having a show-y wedding or the biggest engagement ring in the world meant that you are more loved, or have more love to give than someone else in lesser circumstances. But it just comes to show the role that greed plays in our lives, or the lives of our loved ones at a certain point of time. It makes it hard to believe that "love conquers all" when so often it's the love of money or greed that consumes our lives. Especially when it hits home like it does for me.

Doug is almost exactly 1,000 miles away. We do our own things and live our own lives out everyday. Marriage is a difficult thing to think about when you have that distance between a person and thinking about paying for a wedding and then buying a house or condo or whatever seems like a distant and unpromising dream. What is holding me back... love??? or money?? And if love really does conquer all why can't I get it into my head that money isn't an issue?

I am really conflicted.

biggest bar night of the year...

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 08:54:43 GMT

It's pretty pathetic how many people actually show up to have one amazingly fun night at the bar (and I have to admit I was one of them). The funny thing is though.... that running into basically every person imaginable that graduated between 2001 and 2004 from the pcep area, there was not one person that sparked my interest or was even remotely mature. Guys that I would have killed to have be intersted in me back in the day just hold no candle what so ever to what I have now, and in a lot of ways I'm so grateful to be past that, but at the same time I just think about what it must be like to life a life so... shallow. I just feel so sorry for them.

If I knew better I would assume that I was hard to impress. But honestly I'm not. Being at this good ol' high school reunion at the bar gave me some more newfound respect for the life that I have chosen. With the great friends and family that have remained with me along the way. May the people that worked themselves out stay out.. and for those of you who have fought your way through thick and thin... I hope I am always here to give you the love and support you need, just as you have done for me.

:) I am so glad I live the life I'm living now :)

stupid metabolism. stupid beer belly.

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 00:44:34 GMT

I'm so aggrivated with myself. I don't know what the heck is going on with my body but I've been such a fatty lately. I've been the same weight since high school up until... what I feel like just happened yesterday... and I am hating every minute of it. I can't believe I "let myself go" and now I really need to work out not just to feel good about myself but to actually fit into my JEANS! haha I really must be getting old!

I'm going to stop complaining about it and go to lifetime now. Hopefully with some sort of result in the next couple weeks!

At least I never went to college to gain that extra freshman 15... turning 21 did enough damage to my body... holy crap!

fickle pickle

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 23:04:12 GMT

I've been getting myself into quite a pickle lately by being back and forth on every decision I could possibly think to make in life. Isn't there a saying that says something along the lines that "It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind". I seem to be living my life by that quote lately.

I guess my whole state of being fickle right now wouldn't be a big deal if it didn't affect other people but unfortunately it does. I've always been more of a spontaneous person, but now that I'm getting older and starting to realize that choices I make now are going to have a HUGE impact on what's going to take place the rest of my life it really put a lot of things into perspective for me.   And I guess I'm at the point now where I don't really want to "waste my time" on things that aren't going to benefit my future or things that I don't even see existing in my future.

Eventually I want to have a family and a really great husband. That alone is the most important thing I could ever get out of life.  ALTHOUGH... I don't want to settle for anyone and I don't want to hurry into anything. I'm not saying that applies to my life right now, but I think about bigger issues and long term things now. I don't want to be naive, especially when it comes down to something as sacred as marriage. Because I'm planning on being a lifer. I don't care what it takes. And I think about all the people I have met already who have gotten married... some of which have already gotten divorced. I NEVER want that to be me.

Then when it comes down to the career aspect of my life. There are about 500 things I want to do with my life. I love being a stylist and there are so many routes and can go down and dreams I can pursue. But at the same time there are so many non-cosmetology related things I want to do with my life and sometimes I just figure now is the time more than ever that I should be trying things and I don't know what is holding me back. Ha, I'm probably just scared but I blame it on my sense of responsibility that keeps me from venturing out.

I want to soak in everything the world has to offer. And although I'm only 21 I feel like if I don't do something about it now the clock is ticking and time flies by way faster with every day that passes. I don't want to sit and watch as my life passes me by.

For the first time in my life I feel like I owe nothing to anyone. That I need to figure out what right for me and once I do that the rest will fall into place. As selfish as that sounds.... I need to start TRULY believing that life is what you make of it. And it only goes as far as that.

LOVE ASHLEY

HORRAYYYY

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 01:35:07 GMT

EMOTION OF THE MOMENT: EXTREME HAPPINESS

My boss offered Heather and myself Salon Educator positions at the salon to help teach new cosmetology graduates all aspects of the industry to make them great future stylists. I'm so excited because I know how much assisting helped me to advance when I was first starting out, and to be able to give new talent the opportunity to learn is going to be so much fun! I really hope I can make their time assisting as benificial as possible.

I am so flattered that I get to be part of such an awesome experience, especially because I've only been working for L'esprit since April. It's good to know that my bosses have a lot of faith in me and my work. :)

I'm so glad I have the best career EVER!

nothing last forever

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 04:52:13 GMT

Sometimes in life we have doubts
        on things we think will last forever.
We set our hopes and standards high
       and tell lies that things will never change.
Who's to say what validates that promise?
            When never comes to an end
                 & we're left with broken pieces
                     of a memory from moments past.
A fragment of a heart that seemed more deserving.
          Ha, now who deserves it now?
How can the pain subside?
          When every memory taunts you and keeps it alive.
We turn our backs to our promises.
                 & hope they don't catch us
                      before it becomes a lie.

Chris Crocker

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 03:38:37 GMT

After Britney Spears let us all down with her VMA preformance, a series of hillarious events came to follow. And the most humorous of all is from the now infamous Chris Crocker. At first I thought this guy was totally out of his mind insane. Well actually my thoughts on his sanity haven't really changed but he has grown on me and I think that he is absolutely hysterically funny. I found this and I just had to share.

Barbie's of 07.

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hmmm

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 06:02:50 GMT

I'm stumped.
I kept thinking for the longest time that I was going to be moving this winter. And now that September is already here and I am no where close to my goal of saving money or house hunting or even job hunting again for that matter, there is no way possible for me to move any time soon.

It's so aggrivating and frustrating to not be able to really get a good estimation on anything that is going to happen because it's kind of like a domino effect. In order for one thing to happen 20 things before it need to happen and 50 more things afterwards and planning that all out is too stressful for me to even begin to worry about.

The first time I moved out was when I was 19. Amanda was living in a house in Northville, asked me to move in and a week later I was all moved in. Then Dougie and I starting dating and always figured we would make good roomates so we randomly decided to move in together and really it didn't seem like a huge decision. I didn't have to change jobs. It was still in Canton so it was close to my work. The livin' was easy.

Moving out of state is a pretty insane thing to try and think about. I am a little back and forth. My family and friends are my life. I am completely in love with my job(s) and they are both relatively new to me. So picking up and starting anew sounds a little bittersweet at the moment.

Dougie's in a great place though. It's pretty much smooth sailing from here on out for him. His whole base is a huge paradise island. If you look out his dorm window you can see right to the ocean. It's so pretty. I'm so jealous that while I'm out working 2 jobs he's fraulicking on the beach trying to dodge jelly fish. He's gotten really ambitious lately and is so excited about his life. It makes me really proud to see him accomplish things with his life.

Anyways these are some pictures from our drive down to Florida and Panama City Beach.

You would have never guess we were tourists. Especially since we took the damn carriage ride through Nashville.
[Doug's idea not mine]

Those are horses hanging from the ceiling

You can't tell right now but I got a bulls eye and was extremely excited

From Nashville to Panama...

Night stroll on the beachie

Feeties. The water was like 80 degress no joke

Our name in the sand in Panama Beach

at least Doug looks good

2 hours later I drove 19 hours back to Michigan all by my lonesome.

I need to go to bed and my legs fell asleep cause Toby has been laying on me for the past 2 hours, but he looks so darn cute I don't want to wake him up.

Seriously how could you resist this little face....
We were playing sick.
He's a good actor I know :)

secrets secrets are no fun

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 03:17:25 GMT

      I know it's probably seems like I am completely obsessed with Dougie, and I mean, that might not be too far from the truth. But I only write when I have a strong desire to, things just come to me and I need to let it out in my own little outlet so when I go on and on and on about Dougie it's not because he's the only thing I have to talk about. It's just that he's the only thing that is important enough to me to take time to write about.

   I lived with Dougie for a year and obviously you learn all the nitty gritty details about a person whether you like it or not when you see them day in and day out for a solid year. The funny thing is though, I've learned some of the most incredible things about him [and our relationship] from being apart. Feelings and emotions that just would never have surfaced if it wouldn't have been for the airforce.

   Last summer when things were getting pretty rough I remember telling him that he just didn't share his feelings enough. Okay to back up a little bit there is this book called "The Five Love Languages", and in it states that every person needs a different form of communication to feel loved. Whether it be from the amount of time you spend together, being physical together, giving or recieving gifts, writing little love notes, etc. Needless to say it's not uncommon for two people in a relationship to need completely different ways of being or feeling loved.

   For me someone could shower me with gifts all day long, and at the end of the day... yeah sure it's nice. But it's not really going to make me love someone more than I did before. I'm more of a quality time and a "words" kind of girl. I love for someone to tell me that they appreciate me, that I looked nice the night before, etc. Not that I didn't get that before from Doug, cause I did. But since he's been away he's so much more "in tune" if that makes any sense with how he expresses himself towards me and I LOVE it. He's so so so romantic to the point where I feel like a cold hearted souless bitch at times. ha well maybe not to that extent but... you get the point. ;) I just couldn't picture things ever being better. Our communication is right on key and I know he tries so hard to find ways to suprise me and make me happy everyday.

   He just gave me one of the greatest suprises ever :) And it's so hard for me to continue to keep it a secret till he comes back home. But I'm going to try my hardest! AH I just am totally not good at keeping secrets and especially happy/exciting ones like this!

Saturday night... wow

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 05:17:35 GMT

Considering this year has been quite the emotional rollercoaster, I am so thankful that livejournal was invented. :)

Some days I feel like I'm trapped inside another person's body. It may sound stupid, but that's the best way I can describe it. Anyone who knows me happens to know that I am always the poster child for being Miss Happy.Go.Lucky, only lately I feel completely out of my element. It doesn't make any sense to me ("not a lick of sense") and I notice that it's like turning on a switch from my normal Ashley self to a different... lets just say less exciting Ashley.

I know I have great friends. They are more than anyone could ever ask for. Always supportive and understanding and willing to lend an ear because they know what I'm going through is hard for me. So if any of you are reading this, I want to tell you thank you in so many ways I don't even know how to express. And apart from saying thank you I also want to apologize for taking the "fun Ashley" away from you at times. No one likes a Debby Downer and I can only pray that I'm not coming off that way to anyone. PLEASE if I am, someone knock sense into me, I don't care what it takes. I want everyone to know that if I'm keeping to myself a little bit more than I normally do these days it's definently not intentional. I'm not trying to become a hermet or isolate myself from anyone but I realize it may come off that way so I'm so sorry.

But for instance on Saturday (granted I was drunk on an empty stomach, pms-ing, amongst other things) I was completely out of my state of mind. Anyone who was there can tell you that. Waking up on Sunday morning I have never felt more embarassed over a drunken night ever. I honestly think about that night, well I try not to think about it, and wish it would erase from my memory completely. ha gosh... I only wish that everyone else was the same way I was, but that's besides the fact. And it's been driving me absolutely crazy to think that I might have hurt any of my friends or offended anyone in any sort of way. That totally isn't like me and I hope you know me better than that.

Anyways I'm going to get my shit back in gear so that I can be back to normal. Back to reality. Just please please please bear with me. :) I love you guys!

random drunkin' thoughts

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 09:30:45 GMT

I just think it's weird how some people I think about in life I've known for a good portion of time here in my time spent on earth. And then there are the people who I haven't spent as great deal of a time with but they affect myself so much more. Everyday I learn more and more about myself as well as other people close to me and I'm am so greatful of the girfts it brings to me. It's so amazing how the people you never expect to let you down do just that : LET YOU DOWN. While the people you least expect you exceed your expectations do exactly that : They wow you in a way you've never felt before and change your outlook on life forever.

I just had one of these life altering experiences. And while at the time I was a little "emotionally distressed"; it took it's turn for the best and taught me an terrifect lesson in life. You can never go through life with a life vest on the entire time because other wise there is no life living. The best things in life come when you expect the unexpected. Or in my case, I didn't expect the unexpected at all. But I found greater friendship than I ever would have asked for on a night like this.

everyone is moving!! ahhh

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 05:16:27 GMT

I went out with Alex for the first time in what seems like forever. It's a shame that we don't get together more often than we do because we are quite possibly the best duo ever! I'm going to be so bummed out when he leaves for State. Lauren is getting an apartment with Chris and they are probably moving out to Royal Oak. So I'm pissed at them both. Everyone is leaving me!

On the up side they better make a room for me in their walk in closets for me to live in on the weekends :)

blahhhh

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 06:35:59 GMT

I need my own place again!!! Last summer was just so much better paying for an apartment for everyone to use every month. I'm soOoo missing those days.

:(

its been a while

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 06:21:25 GMT

I haven't updated in quite some time and I guess a lot has changed, but at the same time it seems like nothing really has changed.

I went to see Dougie a couple weeks ago, for some reason I was nervous. REALLLY nervous actually. Maybe because the time before was "monitored" and shared by his family, but I just felt like it had been so long since we've had one on one time that it was just going to be awkward in a way. Not having anyone to touch or kiss or hold on to made me feel so out of touch with all intimacy in general haha. Sad but true, I thought it was going to be like starting up from ground zero again. But I'm not even kidding, it was the most romantic thing seeing him for the first time,us running to each other cause we just couldn't get to each other fast enough. It was as if no time had gone by since the last time we saw each other, except even better. We have so much history together and at the same time it felt like the first time. The weekend just couldn't have been better :) He's so cute and has the best voice, he's my little Ryan Cabrera. No joke he could pass for him in a karaoke contest anyday. He even got me a camcorder for my birthday. A CAMCORDER. I just can't believe how much this boy spoils me rotten. He goes above and beyond anything I could ever expect from a person over and over and over again.

I've never ever ever had someone love and care about me the way Doug does. And I'm not even that great. It makes me wonder what I am doing to get him to stick around day after day and just love me so damn much. I think about it, and it just baffles me. He's the single greatest thing to ever come into my life. I hate the airforce some times for taking Dougie a bazillion miles away, but all in all it's made us closer together. It has taught us a lot of lessons. This whole distance thing is a learning experiment and we might be making a lot of mistakes along the way but at the end of the day we overcome it and end up on top of the world. :)

Gosh! I seriously have the best life! How did I get so lucky!?

my weakness is that I care too much

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 23:55:58 GMT

All my life I've attracted "broken" people. I don't know if they find me or if I find them, but I've always had this strong desire to help and bring out the best in people. I tend to migrate towards people who I wouldn't necessarily say are unstable but they just don't have much guidance.

One of my close friends is one of these people (and I'm not writing this to criticize him, I just go crazy worrying about him). I love him to pieces and he has so much to offer but time after time he makes these strange decisions that just keep setting him back. And it hurts me so much to see how much he suffers in life but it comes to a point where no amount of advice or help even breaks past the surface.

I have done soOooOo much for this kid and never in a million years would ask for anything in return. Never. But dispite all the times I've helped him out, my parents let him live with us because he "had no other place to go". A couple months later he packed all his stuff up and never said bye. I mean, Marty was my best friend. We did EVERYTHING together. We were two little peas in a pod. And to just up and leave like that with absolutely zero appreciation was hurtful. But of course I forgave him instantly when he finally called and wanted to be in my life again. That's what I do. I forgive people.

But it got to the point again where we started doing everything together. I finally had my buddy back. And since he is the type of person who needs to constantly be in a relationship I was so happy when he got a girlfriend. Except... the girlfriend wanted nothing to do with me and Marty was no longer permitted to talk to me. If some stupid boy told me that I wasn't allowed to talk to my best friend I would have laughed in their face. But of course Marty knows I'll always be around when he needs a friend so I get pushed in the background.

Of course whenever their relationship would be a little rocky he would call me distressed and expect me to fix all his problems and I would be there for him. Again and again and again I would try to fix things for him and reassure him that everything would be fine.

I know that he doesn't have anyone else that he can turn to and I feel like if I wasn't there for him. No one would be. I mean he has girlfriends come and go but people need some form of constant in their lives. But I am about to throw in the towel because I am realizing that "fixing Marty" isn't something that I'm able to do. It's totally way over my head and there is nothing I can do to reach out to him anymore.

He recently just told me that he got married on a whim and moved out to California without having any place to live, a job, or any money. I feel so bad to hear that he isn't able to support himself but am I wrong to think that he's just crossed the line? I can't bail him out of his problems when he makes a dumb decision like that. I feel like now is the time to stop babying him cause obviously it's not making him a better person. He never learns and it makes me so mad/sad/annoyed. I want to help but I just can't.

I'm so nervous that he's doing something more harmful to his body like drugs or something. Because I can't see anyone just driving out to california without a home a job previous money or a family and expect everything to be fine.

Gosh I wish I could knock some sense into him. I wish ANYONE could. It doesn't even have to be me. It would kill me if something bad happened to him. I just wish I knew what to do.

good ol' prom

Wed, 30 May 2007 05:10:36 GMT

So Lauren and I went shopping today and spent seriously like the entire day at the mall. Since I have no sense of control when it comes to these things [my excuse this time is "happy birthday to me"] I buy way to much stuff. Often in one of each color and things I'll probably wear once in my life. But I convince myself that I REALLY need these things because what if when I decide I want it it's no longer available for me to buy. So needless to say I go overboard.

This not only creates a financial problem but also a space problem too. I seriously think that retail therapy is a life saver in some situations but there really is no need for my nonsense. I really need to try to slow it down. I completely run out of closet and dresser space and space downstairs to hold my stuff that's not in season. [boo hoo i know].

So anyways the whole point is I decided to take my old prom dresses and homecoming dressed out from high school so that I can box them up and forget about them forever. And in the process of the cleansing of the closet I try on every single dress I wore to all those dances and it just makes me so sad that I can't think of any occasion where I can wear even one of those dresses again. They are all so fancy and so expensive [no joke my junior year prom dress I spent $500 on and I've wore it for no more than 5 hours... now was that the biggest waste of a paycheck ever].  I hope that once Dougie comes back I can wear each dress just one more time even if it's just for 2 hours. He likes dressing up sometimes more than I do so I'm sure that won't be a problem :)

Just earlier today when we were sitting at Bora there was this group of people that were all glammed up and eating at mongolian bbq of all places. And I was like... how would anyone ever really know if they were going to prom or if they just wanted to get all fanced up. So I wanna just do it.    So what if it's a 30 pound floor length evening gown instead of a cute little cocktail dress. I HAVE to do it while I still have the body for it. Cause I'm sure I won't be able to squeeze myself in those extra small dresses in another 5 years... or hopefully more like 10.

MORAL of the story... 1.] I need to stop impulse buying
                                      2.] When impulse buying occurs make sure I can wear it more than once in my life
                                      3.] I need to get creative and find a place where it's not abnormal to wear a prom dress

adulthood

Sat, 26 May 2007 06:29:51 GMT

I can't believe next Sunday I'm going to finally be 21!!!  The weird thing about it is I actually felt older going into my 20th birthday than I do now going into my 21st. I guess I have always felt older than my age and if age was based on life experiences I would be well into my 30's by now.

I never thought I would see the day and its crazy how time just catches up to you so quickly. Man it seemed like when I was in high school time just never moved fast enough. I could sit and watch the time move by. And now it's like I blink for a fraction of a second and all of a sudden things are now distant memories. I counted down the days till my 16th birthday. Everyone got their license. Me on the otherhand, I waited till I was 17. I roamed around all of Michigan, worked 2 jobs and went to high school and cosmetology school and felt like I was so much more mature than everyone else because I had responsibility (and a 24 year old boyfriend) to occupy my time with. And suddenly BOOM I was 18. Legally able to buy cigarettes and go to clubs... but never did I do either. I had a career now to focus on and dirty night clubs and disgusting cigarette smoke was SOOO not my thing. So I dumped my 24 year old and found a new boyfriend. And by my 19th birthday still watching the clock slowly tick by I was completely consumed with going to Canada 3 times a week, fighting with Dade, worrying about impressing others and being a concert junkie. After serious contimplation and [too long] a period of time, cigarette smoking didn't seem so bad and at the same time I realized that life without Dade didn't sound so bad either.  I found myself doing the unexpected and falling for my best friend and encountering the fastest year of my life [well minus one brief "episode" ha]. I turned 20 that year and although every year before that was a pretty significant birthday license, being "legal", canada, ect. My "off" year turned out to be the best year [and a half] of my life.

ANd it's funny to look back and think how much wasted time I spent trying to please other people and be a show off for what purpose? There was none. It was just an unsatisfying waste of time. And now I'm truely 100 percent comfortable in my own skin. I've looked forward to being 21 my entire life and always had these big extravagent things I wanted to do. Now it almost seems ridiculous to make a humoungus deal out of it.

It sucks that Dougie can't be here to spend my birthday with me. I think that he is a little more upset about it than I am. He hate the fact that I'm making what he calls "significant memories" with other people and he's not there to be there with me :(

BUT I'm still just so excited to go to JD's with everyone!!! It's such an awesome bar and if everyone just gets completely wasted it will be the best birthday present ever.

xoxo!

why doesn't life come with a remote controller

Sun, 13 May 2007 19:24:41 GMT

Jealousy is such a horrible characteristic to have, but I am so jealous of everyone who gets to spend time with their boyfriends. There are so many times I think about where I took stupid everyday activities for granted. Well, let me rephrase that, I always appreciated my life and my relationships but I didn't exactly interpret it as being as important to me then as it is to me now.

When I was going through my little "funk" after I came back from seeing Dougie I tried to recognize the exact reason for being sad. I narrowed it all down to one simple thing; I want my old life back. I wanted the 'stop' and 'rewind' to the way things were. I was perfectly happy with our apartment, I was so proud of our little life together, even if we were just playing house. I loved being 19 and independent from my parents. I loved cleaning up after someone other than myself and doing things as a team. I loved how on Sundays we would wake up to the smell of coffee and sit in bed watching tv before we would finally start our day. And how we thought quarters were as valuable as diamonds and we would save them up all week long so that on Sunday we would be able to wash and dry all our laundry without running out to the store. I loved ATTEMPTING to cook food and actually feeling good about myself because Dougie would eat all of it. I loved having a shower schedule every night and sharing the same toothpaste. I loved how Dougie would kiss me every single morning before he would leave for work even if we were mad at each other and it would make everything okay. I loved how he would always always always make me style his hair if we were going somewhere that required him not to wear a hat. I turned him to be just as obsessed with hair as I am. I loved every little routine that we had. I missed how things were.

But dispite however awesome that year once was, I know that's not how I should want my life to always be. Although I still miss the apartment, I still collect "diamonds" out of habit, and I still attempt to cook in hopes to be a good wife/mommy; creating something better for ourselves is even more exciting to look forward to. So I guess what I really want isn't my OLD life back, I don't really want to rewind. I want to fast forward a little bit and start my new one.

i'm a bitch

Mon, 07 May 2007 22:21:22 GMT

I feel horrible. I know I've been coming off as the biggest bitch lately cause I've been so distant from everyone but I really hope that no one is taking it personally. There has been a ton of stuff that I've been going through and it's just now starting to take it's toll on me. I can normally handle anything that comes my way very well and I don't know what's been my deal lately. So I've been trying to figure everything out, I don't know if there is necessarily a right or wrong way with dealing with stress but I can tell it's starting to 'consume' me so I want to nip it in the butt right here and now.

The reason for me being distant isn't because I want to isolate myself. It's because I don't want anyone to see me at my weakest. I'm always the happy, uplifting, down for anything kind of girl and I don't want to people to assume that because I'm having a rough couple weeks thats how it's going to be from now on. People get into "funks" sometimes. But I also realize that it's a vicious cycle because by distancing myself it's not allowing me to be my happy, uplifting, down for anything self. there has to be some sort of medium where everything can fall into place.

But as for now, I'm hoping that no one thinks that I don't want to be their friend right now, or that I'm a raging psycho (sorry Mikey for flipping out at you btw haha) and in a couple days everything will be peachy keen.

overwhelmed and hating it

Thu, 03 May 2007 05:29:18 GMT

I don't know if I'm just completely overwhelmed or if the reality of life is finally just setting in. I've been going through a lot of huge life changing situations and I feel like right when things are going to start to settle down I'm going to be picking up my life as I know it and starting from scratch.

I've always had a "gameplan" with what I planned to do with all the major things in my life. I have always wanted to own my own business [like many other people out there] but more specifically I wanted my own salon. I figured that if I went to cosmetology school early then I would be able to start establishing myself in the community and by my mid twenties I could open up my own place. My goal has been halfway accomplished, I've just been waiting on time. Now that I know that I'm probably going to be moving to Florida within the next year all my goals that I've had set in motion for myself have to be revised and possibly abandoned. I mean, people always think that I have this awesome job where I can just pick up and go wherever. And don't get me wrong my job is great. But picking up and going wherever means starting from the bottom and working my way up again. I'm going to have no clientelle and there for no steady income for at least a couple month. And that scares the crap out of me.

Dougie wants me to figure out everything with my career within the next 4 months and I don't think he understands that it's not that easy for me. I HAD a goal that I was in the process of accomplishing and now I need to drop it and find out how I'm going to make it happen somewhere else. I don't know how things are going to be in Florida, I won't know till I get there. He has a gameplan for the next 6 years of his life. The airforce tells him what to do and where to go. I have to figure everything out for myself, which I guess is nice. But stressful at the same time.

Well I guess that I have to understand that what he's doing isn't easy either. It's gotta suck to wake up at 4:30 in the morning and have your entire day set up for you. But in some ways, it's kinda like eliminating any stress from your day to day life because you don't have to worry about serious decision making. You have other people making them for you at this point. While he's wanting to be more like me. I'm here wanting to be more like him. Ironic how things work out sometimes.

not following the crowd

Tue, 01 May 2007 04:51:18 GMT

I haven't even been home for a week and I am already planning for my next trip in less than a month! Dougie's gonna fly me out to visit him so we can make up for lost time and have each others undivided attention for a full weekend!! :)

Everyone in the military moves so quickly with their relationships. All Doug's friends are rushing to get married so that their girlfriends can move with them when they get their base location, and get a higher pay grade. Infact Dougie's best guy friend down there is doing that exact thing in just a couple weeks and Doug is going to be a witness. I just hope that Doug and I don't get caught up in that whole thing just because it's convinient. I don't think there needs to be any huge hurry with that kind of commitment and I can already see Doug starting to want everything that his friends have. It's a totally different world for them out there and the more I hear about it the more I realize how much it differs from my idea of reality.

I don't understand how any of those guys can convince their girlfriends to just hurry up and get married on a whim without the traditional stuff. Maybe I'm selfish but before I just go ahead and get married I need the WHOLE elaborate experience. I need the guy on one knee so nervous of what he's going to say right before he asks me to marry him, holding that little box with a gorgeous ring inside, I want to cry and tell every single person I know about it and flaunt my weighed down finger to the world. I want the experience of planning the wedding I've always dreamed of having and seeing my mom tear up as my daddy walks me down the aisle. I want to look into my *future* husbands eyes and know that we accomplished something amazing together and everyone is there to witness it. And finally after all that I want to start a life together and look back and realize that it was everything I ever dreamed it would be.

I can't picture it any other way. I just can't settle for anything less. And I don't see how anyone else would want to either. haha does that make me totally not romantic to think that I just couldn't run off and get married? I don't know but at the same time I don't really care that much. I want what I want. And I know whats right for me isn't always right for other people but I mean seriously, girls think about that kind of stuff throughout their entire lives. I just wouldn't want my story to be like that.

I guess maybe it's easy to get caught up in that moment, but with how the whole world is just looking for the easiest way out I don't want to follow that route. That's how people cheat, thats why people steal, that's why people aren't willing to work things out when things get rough, that how people get divorced. And just like my nanny and poppy, my grandma and poppa, my mom and dad, I'm in it for live. And I'm not about to take the easy road just because it's available. You fight for what you believe in no matter what sacrifices you need to make inorder to do so.

being the new girl

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 04:19:49 GMT

HORRAY!!! My first day at L'esprit went awesome. I was busy back to back with clients all day long, and I'm so thankful that I had some of my best clients today because I was a little slower than normal since the salon is so humungous and I don't know where everything is exactly. I'm glad that I'm in a really great salon, everyone is really nice and really friendly but I already miss the closeness from Donovens. I'm sure I'm going to find some awesome friends at L'esprit but it is just overwhelming at this point. I went from a tight knit salon of 10 stylist, 3 assistants, and 3 receptionists to... oh geez I couldn't even tell you how many people work at my new job. I'll never remember everyone's names.

I haven't been "the new girl" since I was so young. It's a different feeling for sure. Plus I hate the feeling of being "lost", they do everything SOOOO different at L'esprit than Donovens it's a lot more efficient (they have a set system for every little thing that they do) and its awesome but I am just totally not used to it.

OH AND it's SOOOOO quiet in there which is going to be very weird. I don't know how many people are going to appreciate a person like me working in such a mellow place cause I'm always just chit chatting away and my voice isn't exactly quiet, I laugh a lot and most of my clients are the same way. It's a little awkward going from "club donovens" to "quiet spa l'esprit".

Other than that I'm just so excited to go into work tomorrow and see how much easier it gets. Just one day at a time :)

I just wish Dougie could see it, he would be so proud of me. ... hahah strangely enough while I am slaving away on peoples hair in a ritzy salon... dougie is going to classes and sleeping in a dorm that had cock roaches and rats. :( my poor love dove.